need tweensex? ask disney

so if you have read the newspaper lately (specifically, the "very important things happening now" section), you may have heard that people magazine is claiming that some 15-year-old disney phenom should "apologize" for the photos of her that will appear in this month's vanity fair.
disney, for its part, is outraged at what they are calling "a situation [that] was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

god, it's hard to believe that anyone would manipulate someone just to sell a few magazines. that would almost suggest that everything in the media is driven by money or something! i mean, come on! everyone knows vanity fair has only the prurient cultural interests of the public in mind and wants the best for all of us, even if it means not making some easy money by applying the well-know formula {15 year old back exposed} + {billion dollar product line} * {well-entrenched american sexual tension dating back to puritans) = $$$


and disney, of course, is right to be outraged! they would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS allow themselves to be associated with something of this nature, right? i mean, it goes against everything they are trying to do as the world's premiere purveyor of anthropomorphic rodent paraphernalia! unless, of course, you are in china:

yours, in 'stache-dom

sorry for the lapse in updates but i have been quite busy trimming my moustache and making sure that it remains camera-ready. we have reached a wonderful stage at this point where the moustache is well-aged and ready to be fine-tuned. i have no doubt whatsoever that this moustache has a very bright future ahead of it and i will of course be doing everything in my power over the coming days to ensure that it has all the t.l.c. it needs to realize its full potential.

as for the man behind the moustache, think not of him, for he is really nothing more than a substrate upon which the hair may bloom forth, extruding hairy gifts of nonsensical blog-speak upon the vast web of data in which this blog resides while at the same time providing for endless merriment in the world at large. i have claimed it on my taxes and will be spending the extra dough on something highly worthwhile, such as video games and quite possibly beer.

to fans of the 'stache the world over, i want you to know that i love you all.

fucking network

i think they might be on to me at work...it's not letting me upload my customary innappropriate imagery. something will have to be done about this but it will have to wait until i get home. i was planning on doing a tell-all expose on my asshole roommates and a nice rundown of their recent idiocy for anyone who has yet to hear the story, but i think i'll wait so i can illustrate it with the wonderful photos h and i took of the crime scene. suffice to say, or repeat, rather, that i seem to be sharing an apartment with two ill-tempered, autistic pitbulls trapped in the bodies of slack-jawed mouth-breathing west coast dummies. more later.

animal moustache II

how to make fast friends with a dog.

'stache update - looking good

took my moustache to the pulaski bridge for a photo shoot on tuesday. it's going on two weeks or so now and it's starting to curl over. let me know what you think.

where trees go to get wasted

stiff upper lip

it took him 5 years in a VC P.O.W. camp to grow this baby. it's extremely full-bodied and says, "i'm a straight-shooter, and you are a latte-sipping san francisco liberal with moustache envy disguised as a political ideology. stay the fuck outta my way!"

barrack o' ribs

there is something kind of phony about this one.

lip service

she looks so much more presidential this way, i think...

all i can smell right now is my moustache

as a big-time player at a major corporation in one of the largest cities in the world, i am very busy and have little time for screwing around. i am a very important and crucial cog in a complex economic cycle involving moustache factories in 27 countries around the globe. please do not call or e-mail me as i tend to become very irate when i cannot concentrate on important data and documentation for 14-16 hours at a stretch. i am shooting for employee of the month but it will be a tough chase; i am neck-and-neck with the janitor who cleans up my coffee stains in the breakroom. if i get it i will definitely post something from the awards presentation.

guitarmageddon

me and this guy made each other's day. i let him play my guitar and in return he complimented my moustache. everybody won.

i guess it was a little hard for him to perform his job as Front Desk Security Guy Who Stops You If You Don't Have A Badge while we were bonding over The Blues but i guess if anyone can erase the surveillance tapes before his supervisor sees them, he can!

please be nicer to the chinese government

china, while admitedly the source of some particularly interesting moustaches, is still mired knee-deep in efforts to prove that they are still relevant in an ever more competitive global comedy market:

China Outraged by US-Tibet Resolution
By CHRISTOPHER BODEEN – 2 hours ago

BEIJING (AP) — An indignant China said Friday the U.S. "seriously hurt the feelings of the Chinese people" when Congress passed a resolution calling on Beijing to stop cracking down on Tibetan dissent and talk to the Dalai Lama.

Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu labeled the resolution anti-Chinese, saying it misrepresented Tibet's "history and modern reality."

i can't believe the U.S. would have the audacity to hurt the feelings of the chinese government (remember, "people's" republic means "people" = "the government"), a wonderfully benelovent entity that probably doesn't even keep you in jail that long for having an illicit moustache. i am ashamed to be an american today because of my government's actions towards our friends to the east.

Meanwhile, state media labeled a group linked to the Dalai Lama's India-based government-in-exile a "terrorist organization."

that, however, is just complete bullshit.

sabotage

i got some negative bullshit regarding my 'stache last night, something to the effect of "i like them in general, but not on you, alex," so i just wanted to clarify something: this isn't about me! this isn't about how i look! how i look is insignificant compared to the other issues that are being addressed by my growing a moustache. if you don't know what i'm talking about, well, i don't think i can help you, but feel free to e-mail me and we'll see if we can get you a ticket to the seminar before they all run out. a lot of people pre-ordered so we'll see.

'stache on the street - vol III

every place i like to get food from seems to be run by a guy with a moustache.

coincidence? i think not...

whiskers = animal moustache

Vibrissae (singular: vibrissa), or whiskers, are specialized hairs, usually employed for tactile sensation, but can also refer to the stiff feathers near the mouths of some birds. Vibrissae hairs commonly grow around the nostrils, above the lips, and on other parts of the face of most mammals, as well as on the forelegs and feet of some animals. Vibrissae are usually thicker and stiffer than other types of hair. - wikipedia

i really think the problem in this situation is not the cat's moustache, or "whiskers" as some might say, but rather the sharp pointy little things directly beneath them that she enjoys sinking into my arm as a way of saying,

thank you for all the food and water, for providing me with shelter, excercise and a warm place to curl up all fucking day while you work your ass off at your awesome job, and for cleaning up after me every time i take one of my smelly shits in my little kitty-cat shit-box

she's so polite and considerate; i love it.

a stupid video

i'm firing the makeup people after this shoot. i look like i work in an office or something.

moustaches in the movies

he's got a nice bushy one! i bet his wife is always having to pick scrambled eggs and whatnot out of that sucker! way to go, daniel day lewis!

thanks to mark for the submission!

doug thinks i'm derivative

me: http://pleasemrmoustache.blogspot.com/
Sent at 3:01 PM on Wednesday
Douglas: moustache jokes? i think you're two years behind the hipster stache windfall
i shall read it all none the less

dude: this site is concerned with my moustache, the moustaches of other handsome, successful men, and the moustache lifestyle in general, not the moustaches of all those hipster idiots clogging up the drains in l.e.s. bar bathrooms with the filaments of their ever-shedding lip-caterpillars.

everyone else: go check out doug's site right now!

moustaches through the ages

Bill Bruckner - Boston Red Sox - circa The Past

another day, another .025 inches of moustache

At some point someone apparently came under the mistaken impression that I give the slightest fuck about the schedules of my coworkers, the vast majority of whom I don’t even remotely interact with. As a result, my inbox receives a daily barrage of irrelevant “updates,” like this:
Good morning,

My appointment has actually been moved to tomorrow morning (April 10th), at 9am. I should be in the office that morning around the same times specified below (9:30 or 9:45).

Thanks,

Sally McJohnson

Licensing Paralegal

Big Bad Publications | Editorial Assets and Rights

1441 Big Street, Eleventh Floor

Big City, Big State 12508

Tel: 222.635.5639

Fax: 222.635.5882

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This e-mail may contain information that is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient of this e-mail, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail, purge it and do not disseminate or copy it.

you can't handle the 'stache

she found me in the street, broken and bleeding, and took me home. she nursed me back to health until one day i could again stand and walk on my own two feet. i headed straight for all of her bourbon, beer, and acid rock LPs.

“why are you doing this to me?” she pleaded.

i turned, looked her right in the eyes, and said, “look, bitch, you knew I had a moustache!”

somebody fucking call me already!!!

in your face

...it's covering your moustache?

this is great: garfield minus garfield. someone took garfield out of all these garfield comics, immensely improving the hilarity that can be obtained!

paedophilia in the mimeograph chamber

a fun trip to the existential hell of the copier room.

mr. moustache

by now you’re probably wondering, “so how did the allman brothers concert go, alex? did they play ‘ramblin man?’”

well, the truth is, i don’t have the time for frivolities like drinking pbr at a throwback concert. the reason is because i have an awesome, amazing job that takes up all my time.

i work pretty much all the time, and i fucking LOVE it. i probably have the best job in the entire world. i spring out of bed every morning and rush downtown as fast as i can in order to milk this baby for every last second of action.

i work for a big magazine publishing company in a really big city, which, in case you’re wondering, probably makes me significantly cooler than people who don’t work for a big magazine publishing company in a really big city. those are the same idiots who live in a normal town/city/suburb who probably do things like have money left over to pay for food after they pay their wholly reasonable rents. dolts. i hope they like living in peace and quiet and enjoying a decent standard of living. they probably use luxury items like soap all the damn time and don’t even think twice about it. whatever.

i’m not sure if i mentioned this, but just for the record, my job is 100% fulfilling creatively, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.



my totally awesome desk…i totally have more monitors than most people.




my completely fucking awesome iMac. i have this because i am a young, hip, creative urban professional and this is the kind of computer you must use to fill these categories.




this is the person who sits to my right…she totally sucks.




this is the person that sits behind me…i think she is an immigrant from Vermont or something. maybe i will try to talk to her, although i am very busy with extremely important work.




this person sits in the far corner and likes to cough in a small little voice all day long. i tried to steal a tissue from her desk this morning before she got here but when i pulled at it, they all came out, so i had to take all of them. i bet she was surprised! [don’t worry, it sounds like she re-upped from the sound of it]




this is an example of what i do all day. it looks pretty fucking awesome, doesn’t it? the best part is that the lamb has a moustache too! or should i say a “blood-stache?” or should i say a “goatee?” haha, you can have a lot of fun with words sometimes!